Breaking News: Politician Accused of Hiding Information!

Not a day goes by anymore without a politician being accused of doing something underhanded. So, it should come as no real surprise that the Democrats are accusing Vice President Cheney of being "too secretive" with various bits of information.

Democrats Attack Cheney for Secrecy (TheGlobeAndMail.com)

I do wonder sometimes if the author of such news articles reviews their writing prior to publishing. One line in this particular news item that got me cross-eyed and chuckling was, "Cheney came under fresh Democratic criticism for secrecy ... as a top lawmaker vowed to investigate his handling of classified national security documents." I thought "classified national security documents" were supposed to be secret. I know, I know. Congress has access, by law, to certain of these documents. But the article never specifically states which documents are in question. It is more of a procedural qualm, apparently.

Personally, the way our politicians are going (which is very similar to watching professional wrestling), I find it hard to trust any of them with these precious "classified" documents. Let's just hope something of our national security stays classified. Otherwise, it won't be long until our country is simply sold to the highest bidder (probably China).

UGH!

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Put Me On Standby, Please

This article is really only UGH-worthy because it truly makes you want to wretch - literally. I first heard this report while driving in my car and suddenly felt the need to pull over and breathe in some fresh air; or at least have my feet on the ground.

Problem Revealed From 'Raw Sewage' Overseas Flight (KUTV.com)

I realize that airline companies can't predict every possible problem that could occur on a flight, but this one may need to be examined for future flights. The real irony to this story is that Continental Airlines "took a bath" financially on this intercontinental flight. They just didn't come out too clean on the other end.


I am curious to know what the rubber gloves might have been used for on the flight...

UGH!

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Cars That Run On Apple Juice

This is a great little news story from the BBC. They report that in the near future scientists could capture energy from your average run-of-the-mill fruit basket and turn it into a biofuel that could be poured in your car's 'gas' tank. Sounds like a great idea, right?

Fruit Could Make 'Powerful Fuel' (BBC.com)

Unfortunately for all the tree huggers in the world, there's a tiny bit of important information that comes at the very end of this glowing article on alternative energy: cost. It is estimated that it would cost 10 times more to build the necessary production facilities for processing this new fuel than it does to construct current biofuel refineries . So, if I have this straight, we are already spending billions of dollars on current biofuel production plants, but want to praise the new studies that show apples and oranges supplying even cleaner fuels...at a cost 10 times greater than the current expense. Is it just me, or is oil looking a bit more attractive against the backdrop of these kinds of stories?

Call me crazy, but I'm not up for spending $20 a gallon for citrus gas.

UGH!

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Now That's A Phallic Fixation!

I slightly cringe to even touch (metaphorically speaking) this next article. While I have no problem commenting on sexual matters, this story crosses into territory that is just downright weird, even twisted. See for yourself.

Stab Victim 'Continued Masturbating' (TheAge.com)

Disturbing, isn't it? So many ways I could comment on this truly UGH-worthy story, but I want to hone in on one character in this report that is barely seen: the judge. Imagine for a moment you are this judge and this particular case is brought before your court. You desperately try not to let your jaw repeatedly drop to the floor as you hear the stranger-than-fiction tale being spun before you. Then all eyes land on you, waiting for your judgment. What do you do?

These types of stories are probably a key factor in why I have no desire to don a judge's robe, for my judgment might leave a stab victim wishing that a puncture wound is the only way a knife would be used against him.

UGH!

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The Newton Code

Looks like the fascination with religious history is still escalating (and I'm not complaining). Isaac Newton seems to be the latest historical "great" to be paraded into the fray. Looks like old Sir Isaac was directing his mathematical genius toward calculating the end times.

Manuscript Shows Isaac Newton Calculated Date of Apocalypse (FoxNews.com)

What makes this story "UGH-worthy" is the way in which it is reported. The title makes it appear as if Newton will give the month, day, and year of the apocalypse (maybe right down to the minute). Even in the first section of the article we are told that Newton reveals the "exact date" of the apocalypse. Yet, as always, eventually the truth comes out. All Isaac Newton really "calculated" was a guess that the world wouldn't end before 2060. Nostradamus beware! Looks like Newton might weaken your long standing hold on the all-too-general predictions that a person with an ounce of common sense could surmise.

UGH!

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The 1/10 of a Mile High Club

When I came across this news story I was morbidly humored. I never celebrate the loss of life; it is tragic. But the ways that some people "pass on" is beyond bizarre at times. I can only imagine what this couple's last thought was.

Naked Couple Falls 50 Feet From Rooftop to Their Deaths (FoxNews.com)

If the initial report is true (that the couple was having sex on the roof), what perplexes me most is that two adults could come to the agreeable conclusion that such an activity was deemed sensible.

"Hey, snookums, want to go on the roof of this 5-story building, get naked, and see what happens?"

"Absolutely, sugar bear."

This part of the story, to me, is truly the saddest part...

UGH!

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Code Red: Operation Wristwatch Recovery

Once again, the very finest journalists in the world are displaying their uncanny ability to report on insignificant happenings. The latest such display comes from a recent trip George Bush took to Albania. Seems he might be coming home one wristwatch lighter.

Bush's Watch Disappears In Crowd (CNN.com)

I'm curious how many secret service agents have been assigned to the missing watch. Maybe there is a military deployment in progress to launch "Operation Wristwatch Recovery" (AKA: Rolex Roundup). Seriously, does the president's watch contain top level security information? It's a watch. It tells time. Yet, this inanimate object is garnering more reporter attention than SUV's, which I'm sure will incite some kind of metal-on-crystal rumble in the 'news' reports to come.

UGH!

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Angelina Jolie: Crib Raider?

Maybe some of Angelina Jolie's film roles are playing games with her ability to think rationally. As I scroll through the history of Hollywood families in my mind, I am hard pressed to find very many with real success stories of fidelity, closeness, and well-adjusted children. So, it comes as a bit of a sad surprise to me when Jolie comments on her desire for more kids - lots more.

Angelina Jolie Wants Up To 14 Kids (FoxNews.com)

What really gets me rolling my eyes about this story is how Jolie describes her current parenting environment, "Four (kids) is kind of kicking our ass, but we feel kind of like, 'Damn it, we're up for the challenge!'" Angie, you aren't Laura Croft! It was only a movie... Parenting is not raiding some helpless kid's life in a self-absorbed attempt to one day proclaim yourself victorious for surviving the antics of a small tribe of children. Unfortunately, with Hollywood history as our guide, it appears a dozen or more children are in for a lifetime of cameras, confusion, and counseling.

UGH!

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Death To Porn Stars!

I am a free speech advocate. I believe in the right to speak your mind without threat of reprisal. I also believe pornography doesn't really create "peace and love" in the world. So, when I ran across this story from Iran I had a mixed reaction. Now, I realize that the Iranians do not live under a democracy, so what I believe is right and what their government believes are two very different things. But, still, my reaction was mixed.

Iran Moves to Execute Porn Stars (CNN.com)

The real "irany" (had to be punny) of this story is that a country which controls, manipulates, and demoralizes women is determined to punish its pornographers (who treat women in very similar fashion). I'm not suggesting that Iran has any intention of ever liberating its women, but it just seems odd that they would go so far as to punish those who effectively treat women in precisely the same manner as they do (possibly minus the sex in some cases). I suppose this shouldn't come as a surprise from a country that dominates its population through fear tactics and brutality. I just wish they had directed their government strength against something more sensible like blocking the import of porn into their country (most of which, unfortunately, comes from the United States).

UGH!

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How Much Are Your Pants Worth?

I am no fashion expert. Just ask my friends (or my wife). I reach blindly into my closet every morning and pull out whatever my hand hits first. Makes for a fun sort of clothing gambling experience. So, when I read this particular article, I had to admit I couldn't possibly have the same level of fashion expertise as the plaintiff in question. He obviously has a better eye for what constitutes some killer pants because I can't think of any better explanation for filing such a lawsuit.

Testimony Resumes in Case of $54 Million Lawsuit Over Lost Pants (FoxNews.com)

Can you say "frivilous lawsuit?" Even if this guy's pants were ripped off his body and he was forced to walk naked out of the cleaners and trek 10 miles home on foot, I can't imagine justifying the millions of dollars he is seeking in "damages."

But I think I know what's going on here. It is the growing effects of "reality" television programming. Yep. That has to be the explanation. Our culture has become so immersed in "reality" TV (which has nothing to do with reality) that we have begun to believe that whatever we can dream up in our fantasies should come true in reality (the real reality, that is). So, if you get screwed at the dry cleaners (ignoring the fact that the cleaners attempted to make things right), then imagine the wildest fantasy scenario you can, and then find a left-wing, fantasy-thinking judge who will actually let you into his courtroom with such frivilous garbage. After that, just wait for the check - which I'm sure could be used to buy some pretty nice pants...

UGH!

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The Paris Hilton "Act"

This week has been rich with fodder for the UGH Report. Thank you, Paris Hilton. You are precisely the agent this blog needs to perpetuate great reading. Some favorite quotes of mine from this precious gem of a girl.

"I used to act dumb." A little too vague for me. Could you clarify, Paris, when the 'act' will officially be given up?

"I...felt as if I was in a cage." Strange how that feeling occurs when you are locked in a jail cell.

"I feel that the purpose of my life is to be where I am." Profundity at its finest.

"I haven't looked in the mirror since I got here." Maybe real changes are occurring.

Here is the full article.

Paris Hilton Says She Will No Longer 'Act Dumb' (MSNBC.com)

I'm not sure if the author of this story intended the title to come across as it does, but I must admit I laughed out loud when I first read it. From this title it seems as if Paris will give up her "act" of dumbness in favor of just being outright dumb on her own merit. No more games - just plain stupidity without the act. I would hope the author didn't intend this, but funny nonetheless.

UGH!

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P.S. I actually do have a heart. In fact, I just said a prayer for Paris. I truly cannot imagine such a life. I hope she does find God. I hope she does grow up. And I hope she gets that moisturizer for her terribly dry skin...

Protecting the 'Rights' of the Guilty

Maybe I'm jaded, cynical, or just downright mean. I seem to have lost my patience when it comes to those convicted of breaking the law trying to use that same law to protect the rights they gave up when they broke it (is this room spinning?). Here is one such case.

Inmates File Suit After Prison Bans Some Religious Books Over Terrorism Fears (FoxNews.com)

I'm not upset that these criminals want to read. I think their desire for reading religious material is a good thing. But doesn't breaking the law (the reason they are in prison) bring with it certain consequences like, say, losing the privileges of a free man? I guess I'm old fashioned. I just assumed that most intelligent, socially advanced people would know that laws are set up to maintain order and civility. When a person shows disdain for those laws and willfully breaks them they are, in essence, relinquishing their "right" to be protected by those laws. That just seems to make sense. But, I digress. I must remember that when entering the world of legalese the role of common sense often gets lost in the fine print.

UGH!

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Is Bad Sauerkraut Really Newsworthy?

I'm all for keeping up with the president, his itinerary, and even his overall health. But couldn't there be some moments that are not completely scrutinized by media? I'm fearful that our obsession with up-to-the-second news will ultimately lead to the 'Presidential Bathroom Cam' with videos posted on YouTube every sixty seconds.

Bush Suffering Stomach Ailment at G-8 Summit (AP)

If I had to take a guess I would say the president, in his attempt to be courteous to German culture, scarfed down some sauerkraut on sausage that turned against him overnight. No big deal (unless you're a conspiracy theorist). So, let the man barf his guts up in private, put a cold cloth on his head, and get well. And next time maybe we can get someone to report on the president that wasn't trained at the MTV School of Journalism.

UGH!

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Weekend UGH's...

Here are some weekend UGH articles for you to browse. No lengthy, insightful comments, just articles that make you go UGH! (I do have a life, you know...can't be spending all my time scouring the globe for ugh-worthy news)

Police Block Boy, 5, from Making 60-Mile Walk (CNN.com)

What is most shocking in this story? A 5-year old having a coach...

'Jackass' Star Sued Over Manhood in Mousetrap (MSNBC.com)

Is there no end to legal "protection" for the truly stupid among us?

UGH!

Have a great weekend...

Send your UGH-worthy news stories to news@theughreport.com.

I'm In The Wrong Business!

I should be in the logo design business. Maybe then I could enlist my 6-year old to draw a picture in crayon and sell it to the London 2012 Olympic group for $796,000! (No offense, Haley. Your artwork truly is priceless to me...) Of course, there may be one little problem. You see, the logo design apparently causes seizures. Oops.

Unpopular Olympic Logo May Cause Seizures

Did you actually take a look at the logo? Let's be honest. A 6-year old really could have come up with that logo! But because some adult with a graphic design degree scribbled it into a computer program somewhere and spit it out on some high dollar imaging device, it somehow becomes worth over three quarters of a million dollars? Obviously, I should have weighed more carefully my career options when I was in kindergarten.

UGH!

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Bottoms Up for Teen Drinking

With all the advances in food processing technology, I suppose it was only a matter of time before such advances teamed up with the creative minds of young people. What do you get when you mix four 20-year olds, one deadline for a final exam, and a hankering for some brew? You get Booz2Go, a powdered alcohol that can be sold to minors.

All You Need Is Water: Dutch Students Make Alcohol Powder (FoxNews.com)

Is there really anything else that needs to be said? Ok, I'll give it a shot...

Let's see how this might play out. We give minors easier access to a substance they are totally irresponsible to manage. We make it affordable. We make it extremely simple to hide (much easier to hide powder than a can or bottle, right?). And this seems like a good idea? Only good enough that apparently multiple companies are interested in marketing it. Sounds like a beautiful combination...if you are a teen addiction therapist.

UGH!

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Is Fido Angling For Your Job?

Until now, you might have thought that Fido only performed obediently for food or affection. Not so. It appears some top scientists from Europe (is that an oxymoron?) have discovered that dogs might be able to imitate behavior selectively based on the circumstance - a form of reasoning the scientists say has only previously been seen in humans.

Study: Dogs Show Reasoning Previously Only Seen in Humans (FoxNews.com)

Honestly, I'm pretty impressed with this news piece. And I hope it's true. I mean, isn't it about time that the world's mangy mutts started pulling their own weight and pitching in? Maybe now, when my dog perceives that I'm in need of a snack he will fetch me some peanuts without me having to utter a single command. Oh, I hope this story is true!

Is it just me, or does it seem like we go to a lot of trouble (scientifically speaking) to lessen the gap between humans and animals? Why can't we just accept the fact that animals will always be animals? Let the poor dog chase a stick, hump a chair leg, and sniff other dogs to the embarrassment of any human watching. Fido is tired of pushing the scientists' levers. In fact, maybe dogs are actually smarter than humans, so they do a little trick to send the lab geeks into a frenzy, just so they can be let out to chase stick, hump chair, etc.

I do know of one dog in the world who will remain totally unaffected by this report...

Odie

UGH!

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Is Work Killing You?

I am continually amazed at the lengths some people will go to in order to get out of work. Take the following story from the Associated Press, for example.

Japanese Cop Stabbed Self to Avoid Work

Yes, you read that headline correctly. He stabbed himself just to get some time off because he felt he was being overworked.

Let's hop on this fella's logic train for a moment. Work is stressful. Too many hours. Searches his mind for solution to dilemma. Comes to the brilliant conclusion that it is best for him to STAB himself in order to get the time off he wants. Ok, to give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he was sweet on a girl at the hospital and couldn't think of any other way to ask her out. There are chronically shy guys out there.

I sure hope the police department didn't suspend his health benefits...

UGH!

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Tax Dollars Well Spent...

Well, it looks like the FBI is using their time (and your money) wisely. See the following article.

FBI Cracks Down on '24' Pirate by Andrew Wallenstein

The FBI, US Attorney General's office, and other Department of Justice personnel have all been assigned to this "case." Now, I'm all for anti-piracy laws, but come on. Aren't there bigger fish to fry? Why not just cut Keiffer Sutherland loose on this guy and be done with it? I'm sure if Jack Bauer were in charge, the case would have already been closed; with force. Oh, right, that's fiction. Sorry, sometimes the line blurs in my mind between entertainment and reality...

Just thought you might like to know where some of your tax dollars are going: to protect you from dangerous criminals like Jorge Romero. I'm sure you'll sleep better tonight, knowing they are on the case.

UGH!

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